she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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