She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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