Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize