I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize