what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i wish my penis had a tongue
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
