I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
