Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
