I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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