I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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