I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
