Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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