i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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