If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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