best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
