I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
