I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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