If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
