No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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