he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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