look no pants
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
