just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
