i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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