Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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