dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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