I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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