i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
