does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
