She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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