so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
