Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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