Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
