Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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