i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
