I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize