I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
