I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
