Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
