Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
