He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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