So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
