Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
