Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
