so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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