She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
