My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
