We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
