Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
