Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
