All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
