grandma shit on top of the toilet
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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