I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize