Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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