I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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