The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
