my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
