And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize